


And all those things I didn't say

by Young_Professer



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Shatterpoint - Matthew Stover, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Male-Female Friendship, Parent-Child Relationship, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-02-29 20:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18785602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Young_Professer/pseuds/Young_Professer
Summary: Inspired by the concept that after the events of Shatterpoint, Depa never woke up from her coma and died (i.e. was euthanized.)





	1. Chapter 1

Mace Windu walked into the room where former Jedi Master Depa Billaba lay with a heart full of sorrow. Her form was completely still on the cushioned platform, as motionless as it had been since she had collapsed months ago on Haruun Kal. The healers had dressed her in a simple white tunic and tan leggings, and her dark hair was braided neatly behind her head, allowing the yellow light from the window to fall fully in her face. Mace took a moment to look around the room. It was surprisingly large for the sparse objects in it, two chairs and a platform in the middle of the room, and a couple tall plants in the corner. The walls were some sort of dark brown wood and the floor was stone. From the window, golden light looked directly in the center of the room. 

As far as he knew, there was only one room like this in the temple. Not surprising, considering what he was here for was not something commonly done. Mace turned his eyes back to the platform, stopping to nod at Vokara Che, who was seated in the chair to Depa's left. She stood, her eyes full of sympathy. 

"Master Windu." She said, her voice ringing far too loudly in the silence. "You have as much time as you need. "  
Mace couldn't speak in return, so he bowed, stepping over to the platform as Che left the room. He waited until the door had slip completely shut before looking at her. Depa looked peaceful, lying there with her hands clasped gracefully in front of her. His eyes lingered for a moment in the scar on her forehead, where the greater mark of illumination had once sat. The lesser was still there, shining in between her eyes. He would give anything for those eyes to open. 

The master slowly reached out and placed one hand on top of hers. He opened his mouth, but words failed him. He had nothing to say that would help him very through this. Mace swallowed, begging the force for some other option, or some sort of comfort. 

The force gave him nothing but the somber truth. This was the end. 

"Depa." He said , trying to imprint every detail of her face into his heart. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry things had to turn out like this, you deserved so much more, so much better. You-"

His voice caught, and he didn't finish out loud the thought that had been causing him torment since the day he had brought her back to the temple. 

It should have been him.

"Depa," He said again, trying a different approach. "I want to say, right now, the things I never got to tell you. Although of course, you already knew. "

There was no reponse, no indication from the woman that she had heard. Mace hasn't expected there to be, but was still heartbroken there was not. 

"You are the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I cannot thank you enough for everything you taught me. Even before you became my apprentice, the few times I saw you, you were always so light, such a contrast to the darkness I see. And then as my padawan you grew to be far stronger than I had ever hoped. You were so wise, for someone so young, and that wisdom never stopped astonishing me. It's what got you on the council. Depa, that was the best moment of my life, the day you became a councillor. " 

He actually had to stop and clear the growing lump in his throat. Never before had he expressed so much of his feelings in words to anyone. But it was fitting, that he would share them with her. 

He continued. "Our friendship- You- were the most precious thing in my life for so many years. I..."

Mace almost couldn't bring himself to say it, but then he remembered the words of Kar Vastor, "do you not know how much she loves you?" When the lor pelek had said them, Mace had wondered if she knew how much he loved her. And while he had never said the phrase out loud in his life to anyone, he would be damned if he could not say it now. 

"I love you as if you were my own daughter."  
The words rang shallowly in the air, and profound sadness came over made as he realized that he was speaking to an empty room. The Depa Billaba he had known and loved, the wisdom and strength he had admired and treasured for decades, was gone. And soon, her body would be too.

Mace sank down into his chair, staring at her form. "I hope you knew." He whispered, all strength to speak suddenly gone from him. "I hope you knew."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops I added to it.

Master Windu left the room a short while later with his robe pulled over his head. Greif was already pulling him into despair, and he could feel the emotion churning in his chest, building for an eruption. He went to his quarters, clenching his jaw against the stinging in his eyes. The knowledge that Depa was dead made the world feel colorless and dark.

Oh, force she was dead. She was dead and he was still living. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way, he wasn't supposed to outlive her. How would he live on? How could he when she was gone?

Somehow, Mace made it to his apartment before the tears started to flow. He hadn't cried in years, decades probably, but now it seemed like every grievance he had ever experienced during his life, every hurt and scar poured out of him in sobs that shook his body.

 _Why_? He screamed to the force in his mind. _Why did things have to happen this way? Why did you take her instead of me, or instead if the millions of other beings in this Galaxy who deserved to suffer like she did, who deserved to die?_

Crawling from the depths of his heart came the monster of guilt that he had refused to let in since geonosis. But he was too weak to fight it now, and it consumed him, making every breath painful. It was his fault. His fault for the war, his fault for sending Depa to Haruun Kal, his fault for not saving her, his fault she was dead, along with every Jedi that had been killed at geonosis, and for every being that had died in the clone war.

Grief and guilt quickly turned to anger, and Mace opened his eyes, seeing through his tears the breaking points of every single thing in his range of vision. He wanted to shatter them, and clenched his fist against the urge.

After all, it seemed that destroying things was all he was good for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot but here we are.

**Author's Note:**

> This made me sad.


End file.
